A story by by Dr. Regalena ‘Reggie’ Melrose...

I learned more in 2011 than I have in any other year. When stress is greatest, and we are not at our best because of it, we are presented with a big opportunity for change. The economy has created for many of us the loss of our livelihood, our homes, our relationships or our loved ones. Though this has called for reflection, recovery and repair, great change from these losses can come when we welcome change rather than resist it – when we allow for a new way to emerge from the ashes, and we choose to recognize the opportunity presented. The following 3 tips are how I found my power after losses in 2011 that felt beyond my control.

1. ACCEPT WHAT IS: In both my professional and personal life, I have noticed that most of us are waiting for a more ideal situation than the one we have. When we have more support, when we have more time, when we feel less overwhelmed, we will live, love and work better. As educators, for example, we too often wait for the system to change, for administration to be more supportive, or for parents to become more involved before we believe we can do our best work. However, as an educator myself, I find it much more empowering and productive – and I enjoy my work more! – when I wait for nothing. When I accept the reality that is in education today, and work within my own parameters BEING the change I want to see. The only thing stopping us from living, loving, and working better is our own self. We can decide that given the cir*****stances we are in, we will take care of ourselves better so we can give to others what we want them to experience from us. Sometimes this requires that we take a step back, breathe deeper, and re-commit to doing the things that contribute to our wellness. From that place, we will create the change we want to see without needing anything outside of us to change.

2. PRACTICE SELF-DISCIPLINE: This doesn’t sound like a fun tip, does it? I promise it can be! And the pay-off is huge. Right now, in response to our stress, and the powerlessness we feel over it, we are drinking too much, eating too much, shopping too much, or watching too much television. Whatever our coping mechanism – used to distract us from our uncomfortable feelings – there’s a better way. Coping, as I am sure you have noticed, is just a band-aid that does little to transform our experience, to reduce the effects of stress in a lasting way. Self-discipline comes into play when we begin to notice that we are feeling the physical discomfort of stress – a racy feeling, agitation, even anger – and in that moment of noticing we ask ourselves what healthy thing we could do instead. Sit in nature, be with an animal, take a bath, go for a walk, call a good friend (not a negative friend!), or take a nap. Practice noticing how you experience your feelings of discomfort, what it feels like in your body, what story or judgments your mind begins making, and gently guide yourself to a healthier response. Focusing on the good feelings that come from making that better choice is what the neuroscience tells us is key to ensuring that we will make it.

3. DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT: I never thought I would be able to meditate. Never! Sitting quietly for any length of time seemed an impossible task, and the last thing I like to do when stressed is give myself another impossible task! However, the losses I experienced in 2011 were so painful I became determined to create different and better results for myself. Sometimes what we have always done, though helpful, is not enough. For different results, something different is called for, and I knew from the neuroscience meditation was the best “new-for-me” tool I could try. I did not attempt to do this seemingly impossible task on my own (ask for help when you need it!). Rather I found a meditation group and dragged myself there, skeptical of my capacity but determined nonetheless. With the help provided me there, my life began to change quickly. New neural pathways in my brain were being forged and solidified – and continue to be – that allow me now to sit in stillness and hear my own voice and my own way, to block out the “noise” that we all hear around us feeding us ideas, beliefs, standards, and judgments that don’t fit for us or serve us well. Only in the quiet can we hear this “voice” and listen to it. The biggest different and better result I now have from meditation is peace. And when we have peace, and we are peace, we bring peace with us everywhere we go, including our classrooms full of students who need that probably more than anything else we could give them.



Note to readers from our site NoProblemTooSmall.com.... Licensed clinical psychologist and credentialed school psychologist, Dr. Regalena ‘Reggie’ Melrose is the author of the ground-breaking books, You Can Heal Your Child (Bush Street Press, 2009) and Why Students Underachieve (Rowman & Littlefield, 2006). Check out her site at http://drmelrose.com/

Story by Sarah Ballentine

As women, it's easy for us to get the impression that we don't have to work very hard to maintain romantic relationships with men. After all, men tend to fall all over us and get starry eyed when we do something as small as touch their shoulder. However, once you've been in a relationship for a while, you're feminine charm alone won't be enough to keep your man happy, which means that you'll have to start being a person and not just a gender. If you've just started a relationship and you're looking for relationship advice that will help you become the woman of his dreams, the following tips will help keep both you and your relationship exciting.

First, don't be afraid to be "one of the guys". In other words, don't refuse to go to a traditional male hangout such as a sports bar just because you're a woman. But don't think that you have to gulp beer and yell at the TV when his favorite team is losing. Your willingness to go to a sports bar in the first place will be impressive enough.

Second, always be sure to give your man daily compliments. Men know that women can generally have almost any man that they want, which means that men need reassurance that their girlfriends are "totally into them". However, make sure that your compliments are legitimate. If you tell him that he has an awesome body when he knows that he doesn't, he'll feel like you're giving him sympathy compliments, which will rile his ego.

Third, try to send your man a couple of brief, romantic text messages a day. This will show him that he-and not some other guy-is on your mind, and it will also keep you on his mind. When crafting your messages, don't feel like you have to express immortal love. Simply sending him a flirty or friendly message will show him that your heart and mind are in the right place.

Fourth, always try to dress sexy for a date. This might seem obvious, but it's consistently one of the most under utilized pieces of relationship advice. Even as most women love fashion, they still have a tendency to relax their aesthetic standards once they're in a relationship. Remember, when your man first saw you from across the room, he didn't see your sparkling personality; he saw your face, your body and your fashion sense. If you're man is mature, he'll love you whether you wear baggy jeans or tailored slacks. But you can bet that his eye prefers the tailored slacks.

Fifth, don't be afraid to express a little jealousy for his attention. Being overly jealous will make him feel trapped and may even result in a break up, but mildly demanding his attention when it seems to be on someone or something else will show him that you value his personality.

Sixth, don't be afraid to let your man take care of you. Modern women have a tendency to be so self-sufficient that they view a man's desire to provide them with a little money as a chauvinistic threat. The fact is: mature men enjoy spending money on women as a sign of traditional male affection. You might be a career woman, but if you refuse your man's good-natured gifts, you're also refusing to accept his affections.

Practicing these six pieces of relationship advice will bring you and your man closer together, making it easier for him to accomplish that greatest of male feats: the sharing of his inner thoughts and emotions. If you love your man but you feel like your relationship is stuck in a rut of normalcy, practicing the tips above can help make your relationship like new.

As women, we often think of ourselves as possessing a complete mastery of the male mind. But when we become so cocksure that we refuse relationship tips, we risk damaging or losing our romantic relationships for the sake of our pride. Sustaining a meaningful relationship can be tough, but some of the tips for keeping your relationship exciting are simpler than you might think. Get free dating tips at Lovein90Days.com!

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